grieving through the holidays

We've been enjoying the work of getting the Christmas lights up on my house.  Advent has now begun and the "Season of Joy and Light" is in full swing.  Beth has been helping me "test the lights" by letting me "light her up" with each string.  She is a good helper and also seems to enjoy helping me with this project.  This season can bring joy in so many ways.  For many though, this "season of joy" is also a "season of grief."  Over the past year (or past several years) many have lost loved ones and the sense of loss is especially strong as they try to navigate through Christmas traditions and family gatherings.  The question that's on their mind is, "How will I find joy in the Christmas season when my grief is so real?" The question is a complex one and a specific answer is unique to each individual, but I believe there are some helpful truths that we can all think about...

One of the Bible verses that has been so helpful to me in dealing with grief is 1 Thessalonians 4:13:  "Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest who have no hope."  Please note that, in this passage, Paul does not say that we do not grieve.  Rather he says that we do not grieve as those who have no hope.  Indeed, for Christians, finding our way forward after loosing a loved one, is always a process of grieving in the context of hope!
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When it comes to Hope, we are talking about the hope we find in the promises of God.  In this passage Paul refers to death as a "sleep" because he is certain there will be a day of resurrection when the dead in Christ will rise and we will again be united with our Lord and with all of our loved ones who have proceeded us in death in Christ.  Hope is a spiritual quality that sets our mind on a day to come in which the pain, sorrow, and death will all pass away.  

Grief is an emotional response to the loss of a loved one.  It is a sign to us of the love and fellowship we shared with one who has now gone before us in death.  It is an emotional process that God has built into our psyche - a process that can eventually bring us healing and growth.  For you see, I believe grief has a purpose - there is a work that grief is trying to do in us.  There are lessons we can learn and new qualities of life that can emerge within us.  As I learned to ponder my grief, (at the loss of my dad and then my mom) I experienced the quality of thanksgiving in a new and amazing way - I released how incredibly blessed I was for the gift of each of my parents (along with aunts, uncles, and many cousins).  As this thankfulness took hold within my heart I realized that "grief was doing an amazing work in me.  

I believe that as we both acknowledge the reality of grief while holding on to the promises of hope, we usually find our way forward to a better day.  But when we consider these two realities we find that other options are available, and it is usually in choosing one of the other three paths that we find ourselves "hung up" and "stuck."  Consider the options that are before us:

First, there is the option to both deny (or try to ignore) our grief while at the same time "letting go" of any hope.  When people choose this option what they eventually experience is a type of "disconnect" because they are "out of touch" with two basic realities of life.  Both grief and hope are very real - we need to pay attention to them both.

Second, there is the option to "hold on" to hope while denying grief.  People who do this try to pretend that because their faith is strong there is no place for sorrow or grief in their world.  But this is a heavy burden to bear.  Grief is real and pretending (or simply trying to "muster up" enough faith) that grief is not a part of our life is eventually going to take a toll on our emotional well-being.  

A third approach is to acknowledge the reality of grief but loose sight of the hope that is ours in Christ.  People who do this begin to allow grief to consume them.  Their entire focus is on their loss and how sad they are.  For them life indeed does become dreary and dark.

But then there is the fourth option of acknowledging grief while holding on to the hope that Christ gives.  These are people who remember that at the death of Lazarus (John 15) Jesus both "wept" (he acknowledged the reality of grief) but also reassured his followers with the words, "I am the resurrection and the life." Further, he promised Mary and Martha, "Your brother will rise again!"

​So what truths should we remind ourselves of as we journey through a season of great hope (Advent/Christmas) while experiencing the pain of grief?  Several truths come to my mind (perhaps you can think of others):

1.  Death is temporary.  Paul likens it to a "sleep."  A day of resurrection and awakening will come.  In the midst of our grief we shouldn't lose sight of the promise of a new day.  

2.  Hope is real.  The resurrection of Christ is one of the most well documented facts of history and God promises that one day we too will experience this resurrection power.

3.  Hope assures us that "healing" will come:    "Now the dwelling of God is with women and men, and he will live with them.  They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death, or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (Rev. 21:3-4).

4.  Grief has a job.  What is grief's purpose and job for you?  I do not know.  But I believe that as we acknowledge the reality of grief and hold on to the hope Christ gives that God can help us discern the work He wants to do in us.

God bless you as we journey through this season of Advent.  If you are having difficulty finding your way through, please be assured that there are professional Christian counselors in your community who can assist you.  If you are in the state of Oklahoma, please feel free to contact me at: 918-914-HOPE (4673).  I will be glad to help you if you are grieving through the holidays!